old tweets (selected)

for posterity (archivation in progress)

dang some of them are lost forever, only goes back to 2020

jan 4, 2020

in the credits for MARRIAGE STORY there was a section for Drivers, but it didn't list Adam Driver! Ostensibly the most important Driver of the whole film!

jan 10, 2020

Just had a genius idea: bowling but closer

feb 1, 2020

Ali is writing a sketch and she asks me: "what's a nintendo switch game? Yoshi's Haunted something?"

mar 4, 2020

KFC chicken ..... the "F" does not stand for "Fried" ....

mar 23, 2020

spaghetti with tornado sauce

mar 28, 2020

everyone makes a big fuss about spelling bees, but let me tell ya, there's only one way to spell "bees" and it's B-E-E-S BEES!

apr 11, 2020

We are really living in some sort of world right now aren't we

apr 25, 2020

OMG, I love Cheetos and Cheeto-type foods.

may 11, 2020

please do not "joke off" in my prescense. this is serious

aug 29, 2020

my dad hates tony brothers

oct 16, 2020

has anyone tried to make a hot milkshake. I think this idea could change the world

oct 23, 2020

The Family Guy generation has destroyed the american conscience once again

nov 21, 2020

I invented "cat boys" at age three.

jan 11, 2021

Middle School Student Wins Middle School Spelling Bee

feb 3, 2021

I believe in fat earth theory. big thicc earth theory

apr 11, 2021

I guess you could say im on island time... KONG: Skull Island time, that is!!

jun 22, 2021

never in my life seen a they/them use a bitmoji... some things up

jun 26, 2021

Just thought of this: Shrek Holmes

jul 12, 2021

I am completely ADDICTED to gender

aug 4, 2021

the only true measure of quality when it comes to art is how hot was the person who made it

aug 17, 2021

excited for ScooterMania 2022 which is something I just made up

sep 23, 2021

wonkers = wacky + bonkers

dec 2, 2021

I hate being Bipolar. I should be Bisexual instead

dec 18, 2021

having a brain is the dumbest thing ever

jan 11, 2022

what's up to my two favorite genders, dawgs and pawgs

jul 16, 2023

Every Good Boy Does Fine is such a lie. some good boys aren't anywhere close to fine.....

jul 17, 2023

dont talk to me until ive had my season five of house, md on DVD

jul 31, 2023

i ♡ items

aug 9, 2023

missed opportunity: i should have said "I'm psyched to be here!" during my time in the psych ward

aug 18, 2023

all my friends are coming over and we are going to watch hydraulic press videos and cheer like it's a sporting event

aug 25, 2023

🤘😎 I'M JUST A KID, 😎🤘 and... 🤔 life Is a nightmare?? 😥🥺

aug 28, 2023

i like to imagine that life is like the intro to You! Me! Dancing! by Los Campesinos! and death happens around 1:42 in the song

sep 10, 2023

it all started with uh-oh oreos... the crisis of variety in our modern age

sep 27, 2023

dangit. I am completely my-wife-and-child-are-the-light-of-my-life pilled

oct 25, 2023

guy who has seen 10 movies: dude you gotta check out movies

guy who shuts up:

jan 8, 2024

God seriously went crazy when he invented girls tbh

may 22, 2024

gorgeous gorgeous girls love html and css