2023 02 23 - well

it's been quite a while since i've done this. i don't really know why i stopped. i guess it's because ali is pregnant. according to the last time i wrote one of these, it's been almost 5 months. ali is almost 5 months pregnant. she is in her fifth month of pregnancy. which is just confusing phrasing.

i wanted to write because i'm feeling overwhelmed. maybe i'm overstimulated. i'm not really sure. i'm holding a lot. it's not really that i'm carrying it, it's just that i'm holding it. i thought writing might help. i've been talking and thinking a lot, but i haven't been writing like this. it's been a long time since i've written like this. maybe there is something special about writing like this, maybe it will help me in some way. i seriously doubt that it will. i think it will mainly serve to annoy the future version of me reading this. i don't know where to begin. there's too much. too much on my mind.

maybe i make a list of things that are on my mind.

- having a baby actually seems like it's in the back of my mind for some reason

- i think it is indirectly causing everything else in my brain, such as...

- finances and wanting to make a lot more money, and be more successful, through...

- a shave ice business, possibly partnering with imposters theater, where...

- i have been working a lot and maybe it's because i want to be part of the community, or maybe it's because of my secret dream to be on snl, and...

- i'm playing in ben's band, and performing with hot goss, and...

- it's really exciting, but i want too much from it

okay, this list format thing didn't actually help me organize my thoughts at all. i think it was worse. a list isn't really sufficient, it should be more like a graph or a tree. most things stem from the baby. i wonder if any snl hosts have ever written sketches for snl. i mean obviously that might happen if they were former cast members or former writers. but i wonder if any of the musical guests have ever written any sketches. that would be a wild move. get booked as a musical guest on snl, and write a sketch without telling anyone.

i think too highly of myself, but i also have a too-realistic impression of how others think of me. no one really likes me, but they should. they should like me a lot. but they don't. and i know they don't, even if i don't know exactly why. nothing in life makes any sense. nothing. in life. makes any. sense.

okay, wildest dreams time. this might help.

i got distracted. i am not doing work today. i'm listening to Hawaiian music.

okay, wildest dreams.

- baby is born on time, happy and healthy, and Ali is too

okay that one's not wild. all my dreams are difficult to organize.

- hot goss

ok i'm a mess today. just had tears streaming down my face listening to the slack key version of Better Together by Jack Johnson. i don't know how to do anything today. i have been having mood swings. i am happy that i am able to identify the fact that i am having mood swings. anger, sadness, joy, frustration, love, fear, intense desire, excitement, nervousness, shame, lots. and it's all under the surface and i don't know it's bubbling. but it's down there. all of it is down there. all of it. all those feelings. i even let them out sometimes, and i do things like this, and i talk through everything, but it's never enough. it never seems like it's enough. there's too much. right now i feel fine. and then i think about how i have to work on sunday, and suddenly i feel bad. i feel fear. but then i feel fine again because i don't care. and then i try to not care for a while. and i wonder if i'm pushing away feelings that will be bigger later because of their deferment. and i am upset with myself that i couldn't spell the word "vicious" and i hope i can now. and i'm sad that i don't teach well enough, but i try. and i'm worried about imposters' liquor license. and i'm glad i don't have any meetings for the rest of the day, but i wonder if it might have actually been a good thing. i wonder if it's actually worse to be free at home. i wonder if sometimes you can hold things and let them go without issue. i know i know nothing. i know life makes no sense. i know i have mood swings. i know all i can be is here. i think about how i once felt, how i once lived perfectly in the moment. i think about how i want to feel like that again. i think about how scared i was when it was all happening at first. i think about how all the ecstasy might have been a defense mechanism against some deep dark truth i had learned. i think about my daughter and i hope she's okay. i don't know what she will be. i don't know if she will experience things like i do.

you don't have to read this. but i hope a year from now, everything is good.

- i hope imposters has a liquor license

- i hope i can sell shave ice from imposters

- i hope there has been an article from cleveland scene magazine about hot goss

- i hope people recognize my talent

- i hope i find some way to make $20 million

- i hope the worst parts of newborn parenting are over

- i hope i am a good husband and father

- i hope i released that album of songs for my father and my daughter

- i hope hot gos is legitimately good

- i hope one of the sketches i've written has been produced

- i hope i made that wikipedia show happen

- i hope my affliction has not recurred, or if it has, it has been manageable

- i hope there's nothing i'm forgetting

the big thing right now seems to be the shave ice machine. it's tied up in a lot of different things.

- it's nostalgia for college when i was on mturk

- it's financial fears and concerns

- it's the paradise of hawaii and the romanticization of life there

- it's sugar and sweetness

- it's non-alcoholic and i miss drinking honestly

- it's business, and imposters is business

- it's the dream of leaving my constraining corporate security

the word security is very interesting. for something to be secure, it means held, tight. safe, but stuck. i want to watch la la land again. i want to live in a fantasy. i keep thinking that maybe my life is a movie. all these silly specific things, like the very specific sidewalks and windows i see or the songs i hear or the things i feel - maybe they are all the most significant things. they are, in fact, the most significant things for me, because they are the only things i know. they are my world. they are the world. my world is the world.

i don't know if my head is any clearer, but i'm not thinking of much more to write. i guess that's a good thing. i really want that shave ice machine. i really want to nail my live laugh love presentation for Sam's birthday party. i want money. i want that shave ice machine. i'm glad i'm physically healthy.

i gave up social media for lent, and i think i'm feeling the withdrawal. maybe i should meditate. maybe that would help. i don't know. i miss scrolling. i miss feeling that little blip of excitement and connection.

it's the next day now. so i'm done with this i suppose. but good luck with everything.