stream zed

funny how the british say zed instead of z. like its just z bro chill out. been watching taskmaster lately. and black mirror. and listening to random tracks from this weird album shared by my friend. i think the artist is headaches or something. got a lotta spoken word british. and he says i know that love is the only thought and pain is the only feeling. i do not take any meaningful message from that because i do not understand it. i have been thinking though that pain is communication. pain is telling. the body tells the brain. pain is evolutionarily good. why did we do that tho. feels so dumb. why do we feel bad ever. shouldnt the point of evolution be to bring us more joy. what is the point of evolving. we have survival. but is it length of time survived? species survival? or are we a race in pursuit of meaning of some grander variety. and what force is driving evolution. is it molecular or cosmic. and why are we caught up in it. what do we have to gain. what do we have to prove. what do we have to give. have to as in need to or have to as in possess for. lately i have been trying to come back. i have been trying to inhabit the moments. i mainly think of other moments. like my old apartment 700$ a month big 20 floor high rise with a bunch of seniors 1br with everything tan and brown and sweet and comfort. or tropical vacation. lavish mansion living. fame and fortune. a future free from childcare responsibilities. a successful musical production. too many lives i do not lead and will never lead. i will always be five feet seven inches tall. i will always be me. and i will always be here. and then i wont. but i have beent trying to live in the moments. memory is so part of the moments though. there is so much unnameable in a moment of experience. under the conscious surface, still informing the conscious gist. body and brain. something maybe beyond. extradimensional. i am coming around on the idea that causality is nonexistent. that every single moment, the placement and existence of every single atom is determined directly by God. whatever God is. and that God just makes it seem like things almost kind of make sense. but really it's all precisely crafted on a moment-to-moment basis. like frames of a film. a stop-motion film. hobbled together to appear as if things are natural. the imitation of life. meticulously arranged to some unknown end. this does not help me much. my mantra seems to be "powerlessness" in these days. i would like to rephrase it. but that is what i tell myself. i should start saying "mercy" instead. like Cannonball Adderly's "Mercy, Mercy, Mercy" which is a good track. in some ways powerlessness is comfort. incapacity is freedom. but it brings me fear. i think i need a new word. words have too much power. world without language might be better. because language makes me think that everything can be explained and understood. and if i cant describe or explain something, it's my failing. it's possible to describe anything and make it make sense. but i dont know. i think language gives me a false sense of earthly explicability. like everything has to make sense on some level. but dang it really dont. and theres nothing we can do about it. i wrote a song called absurdism. i think if i could really actually accept the absurdity of life i could roll with it. im trying. life is so stupid. but its fun. if i could internalize that and just go along with the ride i might be okay. but my ego tells me i need to worry and be good and do well and care about others and be part of society and present and appear and exist. i have no power and yet i must act. i must decide. i hate being in charge. i really do. i just want to watch tv all day long. i want to figure out how to turn my existence into an observer-based experience. immersive yes. but not personal. i need a parasocial relationship with my perception. not regular social. im just here to watch the movie. this is where language comes back. i need words to explain that i want to be powerless, completely, but still do stuff. but my doing of stuff is not power. doing stuff is the same as watching stuff. there i did the language. to do is to be and to be is to see. no thats not as good. "doing stuff is the same as watching stuff" is better. action is experience. no. acting is observing. no. idk maybe ill get there. but you know. sitting still and taking it all in is not actually different from like going for a walk or leading an intern orientation. the consciousness is the same. consciousness is the same no matter who what where when how why. it's just blank. it's a singleton. there's only one thing of consciousness and if your body and brain have it, it takes all from you. but it itself is just a universal window. universal windows direct. is that a national chain? or just ohio? idk. they have a jingle. and i think they are the ones with a commercial where the employees say "our windows are so good we stand on them" and they all stand on their windows. idk why. maybe it's like "we stand by our products" but instead they are on their products. anyway