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been a while since ive done one of these bad boys so it feels like the right time. not sure what to say. just feel there is a lot to say. i keep picturing this strange three dimensional structure in my head, it's sort of a circle shape but there are many intricate twisting and turning parts within it, it's one full metallic shape but it snakes in and around itself and is very clean and slick. except it's covered with mud, just infesting every space and every crack, some of which has been caked onto the pieces that have holes or spaces between. and there are vines tangled up like usb cables, wrapping around everything, and there are strong deep roots that stretch through the earth surrounding this skeleton, entrenched entirely in the ground. this is how i picture my brain. i don't know how to clear out the mud and guts and old and dirty and everything, but maybe i go to a car wash or i get a power washer or do it manually. there are hundreds of little rocks in my yard, embedded in the dirt, and i want to pick them all up and put them back into the rock bed. it feels like it should be possible to do it one-by-one, but i don't know what's possible and what's not. like the concept of long time, like the time it would take to completely demolish a mountain by wiping it with a cloth once every hundred years. aka like quite a while. but it still feels possible. because long time isn't really anything, because the only thing that is REALLY anything is right now. the time from before is just memory, the time from after is just imagination (of which i believe memory is also a form). like in the kimmy schmidt show when she says "you can handle anything for ten seconds" and then you do and then all you have to do is ten more seconds for several years. i can handle ten seconds. one of my greatest fears is a very very long time. i have an idea for a horror thong. no not a horror thong a horror thing. it would be a time loop story like groundhog day or russian doll or palm springs, but the twist is that the time would keep getting shorter. you would lose a millisecond of your loop (or some proportional amount) every time through. so eventually you would be stuck in a ten second time loop. can you imagine that? you only have ten seconds. and you are stuck in that ten seconds. the same ten seconds. for years. that would be rough. and i wonder if it would even matter if it were a good or bad ten seconds. if it were the worst pain imaginable, i think that would be really bad. if it were the greatest euphoria, i think that might be good. but even the greatest euphoria would probably get old. novelty seems to be important in some way to the human experience. i always need something more. i am never content. it's a problem. im tired and scared and lonely. i don't know if there's anything in my power. i think there's not. so i am doing this now, maybe forever, maybe a new moment is new air, maybe fresh breath use listerine mouthwaysh