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gubble gubble. huba huha huba. sop drop top glop flip flop hip hop grip grop. ba ba ba ba ba ba buh buh buh buh bubby.

to try to filter it through that which language understand me not undertake me not break me not flake me not because it's not what it's not because it's not what you could say or explain it's just what you know deeper than the knowing part of your brain. deeper than the part that could explain. it's in there in the depths and you hold hold hold hold hold hold hold like a wave crashing against you with ships floating and flanging and flippers and capsizing and one big gigantic humongous overarching growing everarching slowing building expanding towering monstering mawnstirring floundering fluppering clawing nagging explanding experationing malatriciously condiferously malatropically storming debilitating underwholllytracing growing growing growing wave. tsunamical tidalical dreamnightmarical dayaftertomorrowical young death fantastically trying to fall asleep raining like this for three days now wave. and you realize the deep fear has been with you your entire life. and you know it has always lurked because there is truth in it. you know it's in there in the dark. panalalogical pantarogical pentagorical primordial!!! it's dark there. it's deep. and you know it's coming. you know it's real. you don't let yourself believe it but you know it's unstoppable. but the fear is real does not mean the wave is real its just real. the just real of it. bending up. sending up somewhere. or down. the greatness of it. the gargantuanity of it. the nonverbalizability of it. because it's not anything of which we can speak. it's not something that fits in the brainparts. it's in the body parts. the boy parts. the baby parts. the arms and the legs and the fat and the tendons. it's in the theater behind the screen around the seat in four startling stark dimensions, in 4D Now Playing with the other lenses of your skin consuming, with the endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless endless end. so fast and so slow. God. save us. have mercy. let this be for ever the good parts. let me not descend into the depths of that which I fear most. let me live or let me not. I do not want to comprehend. I do not want to understand. I cannot. I can not. I ca nnot. Ike a knot. And yet I will, not will but shall, not shall but should, not should but must, no choice but to choose that choice that has been given handed down to me from on high from the tippy tippy top because there's always more to go and more to do and more that has happened but maybe it's just how does it fit?? just more things having happened forever. it will and does. indescribably does and will. you don't even knotice it anymore. you can't. you can't stop it. it's all the flipbook frames tall stacked and rapidly creating the illusion of movement. but that stack never goes back. it's a no back stack. swirling swirling swirling toward whatever or something.

what am I getting at? not sure. here we are. at the end. it just happens without noticing it. it's never been anything other than this. but it feels like it has.