stream 8

email. gotta send some emails. texts and emails. need a platform for community that is not inherently anti-community. opposite of shame is connection. opposite of comparison is acceptance. need need need not to need need to feel nothing but acceptance need to desire only that which is what is and not what is what is not and never to be.

my dad went on Facebook and it was good for me to see him there. it was good for him. but now he's gone and I miss him. I miss him in ways that don't make sense. I miss him even though here's right here with me as much as he ever could have been. mostly I miss being him. I miss when I am him through his eyes I see and feel and live. I miss the him that truly was that I never knew. and he was good at giving hugs and his house felt more like home than anywhere I have ever been in my entire life with the trash everywhere and the Sony television and the DVD player and the Dish Network DVR and the trips to the grocery store with candy and sweets and Salisbury Steak and the only security, the only comfort, the only safe place I have ever been was there in the past with the man himself. on the couch. always on the couch and always humming. a man my daughter will never know. and there's not enough of him. there wasn't enough time for him.

I hope when I die I forget. I hope it all fades. I hope none of this ever meant anything. I'm scared it means too much. I'm scared I'm messing this up. I have made too many mistakes and I am one. I went to a show once in the apartment and it meant something to me. with the wood floor and the art on the walls. the windows to the street out there open and it was too hot there but it was a place and time like anywhere else.

trying to access the Jungian shadow-self. trying to really feel the subconscious. wondering if anything really exists if it isn't felt. if there is any power in anything that is not present. does it have potential energy. does it build. does it

is vision only light

is hearing only sound

no

maybe

so cool so fun, if you're not here you're the only one

🙂