stream 4

so far so far so far so far so far so far so far so far

like to lots give many to mots les mots justs just enough touch to touch what must be what must in line at the lines across between and through.

one step. one little branch out of this little inch. one cord-cutting top-stopping ranch stomper hootenany. God is of the small things. Faith and mercy. Love and forgiveness. Grace and generosity. all saccharine sacred but sacred and old. older than the others. old enough to grow and die and grow. not old enough to know. never old enough to know. never old enough to know. maybe it needs a glow up. maybe we all will "glow up" in the end. glow up and burn out. to be tied to be tied to be tied to the tying itself. to be bound to the bonding and binding. to be in the library and the librory. must. compelled. post on Instagram. become Alex G. score films and win movies. be big and so big that so big so enormously big sooooooo big

big.        big.     big
bigbig.     big.   big. big
big.  big.  big.  big
bigbig.     big.  big.  big
big.  bjg.  big.  big.    big
bigbig.     big.   big.  big
big.        big.     bigbig

massively want. I want to want. but I want I want

I desire desire, the thing itself. wanting to is better than getting to. wanting is better than having. to want to yearn to long to pine to wait to hope to stretch to reach to flex to flim to flam to flan to flange to flow and fly and finger and fry and phosphorescent farms. late at night. glow of the lamp. out in the field. no one else around for miles. dew on the grass creeping in. crickets humming. safe but scary. so close to the thing. the real thing. so there with the wood of the walls and the chipping paint. so nary a water or milk upon the dirt of the ground. grown found. star. starry. not like starry night because that's too colorful. real stars are stark. precious and surrounded by dark. points of spectacular brilliance. so spectacular that redundant expressions must be used to express the spectacularity. brilliantly brilliant. shining shone. white fire peeking sparkles through black. no color but the absence of all color and the presence of all color. tiny and marvelously huge. darkest sky and brightest stars. not like van gogh. better. life is impressionistic enough as is. don't need no blur. got it already when I take off my glasses. shapes of blobs. stars grow bigger with bad vision and the streetlamps make amoebas that slide around in the glass of my wet eyes.

Goodness why but why not I to find the guy. the super cool guy. the guy to whom every guy looks up. the up guy. the everything guy. the subtle but grand guy. the going to new york guy. the living in Europe but unpretentious guy. the going around to pop-up restaurants of slick bespoke design guy. the flashing lights guy, the line out the door just to see him guy. the guy in the window with his family watching TV at night as you stroll past on the sidewalk guy. the light when you're dark guy. the everywhere you'll never be guy. the million lives lived in one guy guy. the hope guy. the meaning guy. the wonderfully full guy. what a guy that guy is. what a cool guy.

father. fr. mine or me. both now. or God. or godfathers. or to be in the snow in the city. or to be in colorado in the mountains for forever with the band. how each part of you is a moment and they all live forever even when you're gone. how each part has parts stretching across time and space. how it's always been you and it's never been anyone else and you've never grown out of anything other than the preconceived notions of adulthood and grownuphood and maturity and all these stupid people with all their stupid lives and all the lack. the lack of what you want. and I want. I do want. I am due want. aye.

feels unnatural to edit any of this out of the actuality of it all because real is real and it must be so. but it also feels stupid. so I'm sorry. it's me. I'm real. I'm here. you're here too with me. now we are here forever. it's the magic of linguistics. to entrap you and me in the same world for a moment. the little place here. I'm sorry for trapping you with these sentences and sentence fragments. I am lonely and I want friends to read the real real real real real real real real real real. it's in me and you too. now it's in you because it's been out of me for some time. always in the other me. but this me has changed.






maybe something will stick