-9/1-

callback! is! over! we did it!

honestly it was so good. it may have actually been life-altering. it was special.

i just want to keep writing and talking about it forever. so there might be much more to come. but in the meantime, if you are reading this and you're ever interested in writing and producing a DIY musical - please let me know. i have learned SO much. mostly by trial and error. but we actually did it. we really did it. it's really possible to do something like this. something has come from nothing. something can come from nothing.

-8/30 pt 2-

dang. sold out show but 9 out of 50 didnt show up. i would so much rather have a packed house than the money. but it's ok. it's not my fault.

the gang has been crushing it tonight. i am currently in the wing waiting for act 2 to start. tonight im playing Blake from St Louis. the audience is not as loudly loving it, but we have been doing really well. that's it, if we do well, it's good. if the audience doesn't like it they are wrong. i am comfortable with that. one nice thing about writing a show that is about my irrational and compulsive need for extrinsic validation is that when we do the show and i dont get the validation i crave, i can look to the text. it will tell me what i need to tell myself. ok places soon see ya

~~~that same evening~~~

3 shows down. they have all been as good as they ever could have been. this is amazing. i have not been getting the extrinsic validation, but i feel so good intrinsically. i feel so proud of us.

one more show.

-8/30-

opening night was really good. that might not sound too emphatic but it means a lot coming from me. even though there was not a ten-minute standing ovation: i am satisfied. everyone did so well. if we can do that two more times tonight and one more time tomorrow we will be golden.

also i have to give a shoutout to stl flounderers. because of you i did mention st louis in the show. i have never been to your city so i know nothing about it, but based on how cool you all are, i made the coolest character in the show be from st louis. they are only in it for like 30 seconds but it's a highlight.

i have been writing little speeches constantly and always feel like i should have something prepared to say, but last night, after curtain call, i was rendered speechless. i dont know what to do or say today. i dont want to pre-emptively prepare something for aftershow. idk

-8/29-

so glad to be back online on flounder dot on line. it's OPENING NIGHT so i had to post for all the fine flounder folks who are tuning into whatever this is. i am feeling

- fine

- worried that things will go wrong

- oddly not too nervous at this exact moment

- absolutely unprepared

- scared i might have another psychotic episode

- completely unsure how the audience will be

- not actually too concerned about the audience

- anxious about hitting our marks

- really grateful

- generally good/happy

- organized

- ready as i'll ever be

- not optimistic

- all state (feel like im in good hands)

- embarrassed

- ugly and unlovable

- deserving of love but not entitled to it

- ok

not much more for which i could ask at this juncture. whatever happens happens. ive done the best i could do. and here we are.

-8/27-

i have not been posting because i have been generally working on the show in one way or another. oddly i do not feel overwhelmed. i am nervous, sometimes VERY nervous, and theres a lot of work to do, but it feels like things are acceptable. "acceptable" may sound like scoring a 3 on an AP test but for me it is HUGE.

i should mention that the entire run is sold out. it actually sold out more than a week before opening night (which is 2 days from now). so that's good news. of course in my head im like "those 200 people are just being nice, literally patronizing, it's probably all fake people" or something like that. and im worried the audience wont be the "right audience" for the show, as in: they wont really get it. but 200 tickets sold is substantially more than i have ever had for anything else in my life, so i do not take it for granted and i am grateful to be so lucky.

we have two more rehearsals, tonight and tomorrow. then we have four shows. i worry about many things. but i believe it will be okay.

-8/17-

basically this entire process, since i started writing this show, i have been thinking "hey, this is pretty good." i have actually really believed it was good. after the preview show, for the first time ever, i really started to wonder - "is this good?" i am not sure right now. some people think it's good, some people aren't responding as i would like. i am really questioning, though, whether I think it is good. it can be good even if im the only one who thinks it's good. but im really not sure at the moment.

also one of my biggest worst case scenarios might be coming true... still only 5 tickets sold out of 50 for one of the late shows, 10 sold out of 50 for opening night. and one big thing i learned from the preview is that a small audience makes the show itself less good. really hoping that people buy tickets. i dont care about the money. i just want a full house. for the good of the show.

also almost everyone keeps flubbing their lines and it hurts me so much. it feels like a dismissal and total disrespect for me as a writer. i labored over every single letter of that script, all the phrasing, the exact punctuation and everything, spent so long crafting it, only for it to be ignored or misremembered.

15 days until it's all over forever. and i will never speak of CALLBACK again

-8/14-

preview show is tonight. we are woefully unprepared. this will be the first time running the show in front of an audience. also the first time running the show under true show conditions.

people do not know their lines. people are not nailing the songs. i am fluxuating between feeling completely hopeless and completely okay about it all. still mainly scared that we will not sell a lot of tickets. all the songs are looping in my head all the time, and i still have so much work to do.

all the work feels fruitless. but i try to remember that the work itself is the fruit.

in 18 days it will be over. and maybe then i can rest

-8/9-

the fear. "the horror, the horror" i guess for the joseph conrad heads out there. it's not that serious but sometimes it feels all-consuming. the things that could realistically happen:

- we will not sell any more tickets, especially for the two 9:30pm shows (so the audience will have like 5 people out of 50 seats)

- we will not have the props / wardrobe to pull it off convincingly

- no one in the audience will relate or respond to the writing

- everyone will flub their lines

- something will go wrong with the tech

biggest fear is the ticket thing. we really gotta sell some tickets. i feel so powerless. about all of this. the baseline above failure has always been "sell out four shows" and it always felt possible. now there are less than 3 weeks to go and it does not feel possible. we should have done two shows instead of four. but all the cast and crew deserve more.

just gotta push HARD for the next 20 days. gotta start inviting people individually. gotta start putting flyers up everywhere. gotta beg. gotta go door to door or talk to people on the street, i dont even know.

gotta pray

-7/20-

simultaneously dreading and looking forward to september 1st when this will all be over. i am scared that we have so little time to bring it all together now, time is going so fast. but also i want it all to be over. one way or another it will be over.

my biggest worries right now are that

- we might not sell out all four shows (wildly high bar, but anything less feels like failure) (i am losing so much money either way) (mainly worried about the crowd having an impact on the feel of the performances)

- tech/set/props will not come together

- sound will be bad

- my vision will not come through

- everything will go perfectly but no one will care

i have so much more to do and so much i do not know how to do. trying to make t shirts. want to schedule fun outings for the group. im so tired

what will come of this?

-6/28-

nothing. pretty sure nothing. will this lead to anything? no. pretty sure no. i have been sort of working on accepting the worst case scenarios before they happen, so that if they do happen, i will already be okay. that is not actually working. but even in the best case scenario, i don't know how this could lead to anything. i was really thinking about filming it, but it seems less feasible than i had hoped. so it will not live beyond august. and it will not travel beyond cleveland. and it will not mean anything once it's done, just like every other thing. it's heartbreaking to be thinking like this already, but it's how i'm trying to cope. i know i will be disappointed with the turnout, with the performances, with the critical reception, with all and everything afterward. and i will especially be disappointed when it immediately fades from presence and becomes past. just some throwaway anecdote, not even listable on a resume, just some weird thing of no consequence that happened some long forgotten week ago. i have been working on it for almost two years, and it will simply disappear from existence like that. so i am working on accepting it now. always constantly looking forward to the next thing. some thing. some big magical thing. the thing that will finally go somewhere.

the good news is, i know that any discouragement i feel will be temporary. my delusion will persist forever. i will never stop trying to be famous. it's comforting to know that no matter how frequently or magnificently i fail, i will always want to try again. this is vice not virtue. but it is a comfort. and i will rewatch Whiplash and listen to the mean teacher say "the next bird would never be discouraged" and i will remember that i am the next bird. i may live my entire life without success, but i will always want it.

unless i actually give up which tbh could be kinda nice and probably wayyyy more healthy. idk i guess that could happen too

-5/28-

the show has been cast and everyone has been informed. still feeling crazy, but now sort of a dull/sad crazy. had to tell one of my friends who had done the stage reading that he wasn't cast. making me wonder why im doing this at all. feeling like im part of the problem.

in the rehearsal when nathan fielder invented a singing competition called Wings of Voice where pilots judged singers - that's what this feels like. a totally made up thing that has no business making anyone feel any sort of way, but it's actually bumming people out when they are rejected from it. it totally makes sense, rejection is always so hard. it's impossible not to take it personally. and even if you are being judged by those who are completely unqualified to judge you, it still hurts.

maybe it's a good lesson. and this is basically the point of the show. none of the extrinsic stuff should matter. no one else gives you your value, you've gotta find it within. but that's not really how it is. really it's the real world that assigns you your value. and i hate to be part of that real world.

also - now that we do have a cast - i am so so so so so worried about scheduling. that's my next huge stressor. im so darn scared.

-5/25-

auditions were today. i still feel crazy. i have not earned the right to judge people in any way and i hate making decisions. so many great people. i should make a show with 25 parts instead of 10. oh well. im so scared. aahahhhhhhhh

-5/17-

realizing that 99% of the time this musical feels like a negative thing in my life. i don't want it to feel that way. i also think that thinking about it, worrying about it, and working on it a lot are going to make the end product better (this may be true). sort of feeling like i would rather hate everything for three months and end up with a great show than love my life and end up with a slightly worse show. i want to give everything i have to this because it's so much of me. so much of it is out of my control, but i still feel the weight of the entirety of it. and i don't seem to be able to spin this into a positive working experience. oh well

-5/11-

my biggest worry at the moment is that we will not find the right people for the right things with the right availability. i am so worried we will not get enough people to audition, and also worried we won't be able to schedule any meetings or rehearsals because of people's schedules. the challenge with this is that is almost entirely out of my control. i think i will feel 100x better when

- the team is complete

- the schedule is set

even though i know "complete" means anyone could drop out at any moment and "set" means anything could change at any time. i would rather have something in place and then adjust. it's so wide open now and im scared

-5/3-

im looking forward to the shows. but i think even more im looking forward to all of this being over. i would like to chill again. i also want to work on something new. i want to give myself to something that isn't mine.

22 days until auditions. 103 days until the preview show. 121 days until Labor Day.

im so tired. it's hard to be in charge.

-4/30-

joseph maxwell dont think about callback for five consecutive minutes challenge (impossible)

the name of the musical is callback btw

-4/28-

so far it seems the musical production process consists primarily of waiting for people to text me back